Joyce Heron Larkin grew up in Wellington, NSW, Australia in the 1920’s and 30’s. Her father was a boundary rider, farmer and wool classer. Joyce captures the essence of the time in her wonderful stories. You can enjoy reading a Flip Book copy of her school days. I have passed the hard copy to the Wellington Library. Here is an audio link as well.
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Listen to the Sounds of Dead Money
This story is about a dead man, six feet under, reminiscing about his wealth from his coffin. I originally published the story on Substack, but now with an AI Voice, I was able bring the story to life with a style of read that suited the story. Caution – there is one swear word.
My book of short stories, Deviates from the Norm, consists of nineteen short stories, each unique and dark. My goal is to bring each story to life with a voice that suits its individual style. This would never have been possible before. Especially on my small budget.
The story can also be read on my Substack account.
Speakers from Hell
There are many different types of presenters and some are fantastic but there are two types that cause headaches for the audience.
- A presenter with no story to tell.
- A story to tell with no presentation skills.
I attended the Campbelltown Chamber of Commerce meetings for nearly a decade. They had guest speakers from time to time.
A presenter with no story to tell.
Let’s set the scene. In those days Campbelltown was seen as the backwaters. Hillbilly country. The media (I am ashamed to say) had blown up many stories to such a point it was now accepted that the people of Campbelltown had two heads, drank beer all day, and bashed each other. (The reality was quite different).
Our members and their guests arrived for the monthly meeting. They gave up two hours of their time to attend. We had dinner and our guest speaker was introduced as a marketing guru from the city of Sydney. Prior to the meeting I Googled her (found nothing). I wondered how she would be such a guru and not be noticed as an expert in her field. And it seemed her only credential was that she worked in the big city. Why did our President select her?
She spoke down to the audience. There were no notes, slides or handouts. It was all done by memory – there was no common theme. To put it bluntly, it was a disaster of major proportions. Her presentation was like a Marketing 101 for people who had never worked in business. Our audience consisted of local business people – many with their own businesses.
She presented to the sixty of us. I was horrified and felt embarrassed for her and our audience. I learned later that the presenter was a friend of the president and, as a favour, was giving her friend a ‘go at presenting’ – we were unsuspecting guinea pigs. The texts we sent to each other during this presentation were not complimentary about both of them. The President of the Chamber failed the members. But that President ruled with an iron first and the committee would never disagree as that meant an argument.
Recommendation. When bringing in an outside guest speaker ensure they have something to say that the audience will appreciate. If you are asked to speak to an audience do your research and ensure you have something that will benefit them. And make it look professional.
The Prima Donna Presenter
I emceed an event and introduced the guest speaker. A minor celebrity. The annual event was already a draw card and the speaker made little difference to attracting numbers. On my run sheet I was given times. The guest speaker took up too much time. The organiser would not let me interrupt.
The audience of 800 were bored shitless. The guest speaker was polished, he had notes, slides and some props. But the topic, as well as the presenter, were boring. I could see the audience shifting, texting, watching their phones, whispering. The speaker went overtime by fifteen minutes. That is a sin in my books. No presenter is that valuable that they can steal 800 x 15 minutes: 200 hours of life stolen.
Worse than that. Fish was on the menu and it arrived cold. I knew the functions manager and had a chat after the event. She was instructed not to serve during the presentation as instructed by the organiser. When I talked to the organiser about the fiasco I was told that the guest speaker didn’t want any interruptions. The room needed to stay quiet and centred on the presentation. But by going overtime the 800 meals, now ready, waited. The fish went cold and old age crept. The waiters were frustrated. The presenter, as well as boring us to death, had stolen 200 hours of life.
Whilst this is about presenting I should mention organisers. As an organiser you must have respect for your audience. If a guest speaker goes overtime and creates havoc: create havoc for the speaker.
Solution 1.
As an audience member I have no problem getting up and leaving if a guest speaker is an embarrassment. At home I switch off or change the channel – these days I do the same at live events. I’d much prefer to wait outside and do something constructive than listen to a moron.
Solution 2. As an emcee I have no problems making my presence known if the speaker is going overtime. I creep slowly onto the stage. Then closer. Then closer. Then I hold the microphone to my mouth and move closer. If the speaker doesn’t get the hint then they are totally stupid. This is my technique at breakfast meetings. Everyone has to get to work, don’t let anyone steal their time.
Recommendations. As a presenter you must respect your audience – stick to your times. Ensure your presentation is well prepared and practised. Don’t be a prima-donna, there are many others waiting for the opportunity to engage an audience. Remember every presentation you make is an audition for your next job. Put yourself in the minds of the audience.
Impromptu Speaking
One of the most difficult things to do is to speak on the spot. You might say that’s easy. Sure it is, if it doesn’t matter what you say. But what if you are a presenter on stage or at a function or have been thrown a ridiculous question by your boss? People are looking at your and waiting on a comment. Your comment. Or waiting for you to sort out a problem. But you mind cannot process this much information. A thousand thoughts are forcing their way towards your mouth with the main one being. ‘Shit’.
Practice
[random_topic_generator]
We created this little topic generator after an idea from fledgling topic speaker, Danny Pham. The key is to not refresh the page for a better topic. Go with what is presented – that makes it a real life situation. Have a think about the topic for five seconds and then start speaking for two minutes. Record yourself on your phone. Practice is the only solution to getting better. It takes time and effort but it pays off.
Seasoned presenters have lots of ideas on how to get themselves out of a jam. Over time they have built a stockpile of answers, replies and ideas that save them. Every presenter will have stories about how things have fallen apart and how they saved the day. Many times the audience won’t even know there has been an issue. They just thought it was part of the show.
Anecdote: At a local outdoor event a young lady stood on stage ready to delight the crowd with her singing. It was an amateur contest. I introduced her, the crowd (especially her family) cheered. No music. She stood there waiting for her music to start. I had moved to the side of the stage and waited. In the distance I could see the engineers battling and indicating there was an issue. What can I do?
“Ah ladies and gents me have a minor technical issue. How many in the audience today come from Bargo.” (I chose a wealthy suburb about thirty kilometers away). About ten hands were raised. “OK, it’s your turn to stack the chairs after the event today.” The crowd roared with laughter as I apologised for the technical problem and told them we’d be back shortly. A random music track was played and we left the stage.”
Here are a few ideas for presenters:
- Try and have a handful of ad-libs up your sleeve to use if needed. The stacking the chairs is a fun one that leaves the audience with a smile. But you need to be careful that you don’t offend anyone in the process. It’s all in the way you deliver it.
- Have a short corny joke that gets a reaction. Trial and error.
- Always introduce yourself and chat with the head audio engineer and stage manager before any event.
When I left the stage I was told the girl had supplied her own backing track as most do in contests. In those days it was by CD. She had copied a data file and not an audio file. So no sound. The engineer had not checked the audio on the CD and just assumed it would be right. After that day and at any event like this I double checked with the engineer that audio on the backing tracks has been checked. Some audio engineers take offence to being asked this so I share this anecdote. I don’t care if they don’t like me, it is ‘me’ on stage who is left feeling like an idiot. Btw – the audio engineer solved the issue – not sure how, but he worked his magic. The young lady performed her song.
Use the Audience
Often when things fall apart you can also use the audience as a lifesaver. Go down into the audience and interview them with some sort of question related to the event. You can move from person to person asking simple questions. If you are lucky to find a fun person stay with them and ask more questions.
No: Are you happy today? (you only get a yes or a no answer)
Yes: What have you liked about today? (You get a reply that will help fill the time)
Never tell them they are a mob of morons. They get upset especially if they are morons.
Begin with the end in mind. Just imagine that your event or presentation will go perfectly. See people thanking you for a job well done. Try not to watch the clock and wish it was over. You can do it. It just takes practice and persistence.
Auctioneer
If you feel confident in front of a crowd and enjoy interacting with an audience this could be a good gig for you. As with anything creative it is often difficult to get in.
in 2004 I met a chap who worked as a spotter at the Narellan Auctions (now closed). I was working in radio and also doing a couple of emcee gigs at the time. He suggested I might like to be an auctioneer as a vacancy was coming up. I called into the auctions and met a lady called ‘Pat’ – she was tough. But I liked her attitude and humour.
I started the following Saturday at eight am. The auctions went for most of the day. One day a week. This is where I learned the craft. I was thrown right into the lion’s den.
Thrown to the Birds
I was given a clipboard with ID’s and the cost of the item with an expected sale price. My objective was get as much possible for the client. Out of that the auction house would get a percentage. I stood in front of the bidders – seasoned bird buyers and a novice auctioneer. I couldn’t even pronounce the names of the birds let alone speak of the key selling points. But the bidders were sharp and helped me along. As I sold I moved to the next section and then finally right down the pecking order to chooks (fowls).
Psyche of the Bidder
Another day whilst auctioning the chooks the tension was too much for an average audience. I’d auctioned off the family favourites Silkie Bantam’s – I think they went for about $20 each or around that. But one Silkie Bantam captured the heart of a boy and his dad was bidding for him. It also captured the eye of a fierce bidder. She was determined to have that bird. One side was bidding on love and the other on determination and competition. When the bidding got to $250 she screamed out – ‘have the fucking thing’ and stormed off much to the applause of the crowd we had attracted. I learned, that in the heat of bidding, the value can skyrocket – often to ridiculous amounts.
One Man’s Junk is another Man’s Treasure
If you are interested attend auctions and watch the action. Ask bidders why they were so keen to get something. Watch different auctioneers and their techniques. See how some auctioneers move too quickly and let an item go for less or others that drag it out just to get an extra dollar. The entertaining auctioneers are great fun to watch; especially their description of goods. People will bid on anything if you get them excited enough.
I once had electric toothbrushes to auction and my spotter called out ‘wonderful to take away on holidays’. I played on his key selling point for a few minutes much to the delight of the bidders. The spotter stopped making suggestions.
I went to the spotter’s house one day. He had two small sheds out the back full of ‘treasures’ he had bought at the auction. His wife forbade him to buy anything further. I learned, that in the heat of the moment, we can have great ideas that never eventuate.
I was confronted with a stack of metal plates with many different sized circular holes drilled in each one. I had no idea what they had been made for or what they could be used for. I worried how I could sell them. One man saw something I didn’t. He was a farmer and bought the lot. Afterwards he told me they would be perfect for his vines.
If an item didn’t sell on one Saturday, it would remain until the next week and so on and so on. In the electrical aisle there was a portable CD player – it had been there for so long the once pristine packaging was deteriorating. I started the bidding at the recommended price of $40 and one disheveled looking man snatched it up immediately. I was horrified. I walked over to him and the crowd moved in to hear what I was going to say. In a low voice I told him “Don’t waste your money Mate, it’s a piece of shit that’s been here for months. You can get the same item, brand new at XYZ, for $40 and with a one year warranty.” He didn’t buy it but there was lots of smiles from the crowd.
Charity Auctions
Once you establish yourself as an emcee you could be asked to conduct an auction at the same event. You wear two hats. This can be dangerous for the organiser, especially if the auctioneer has a limited knowledge of how to work a crowd. Don’t accept to do an auction unless you understand this – remember each job (whether paid or not) is really your audition for the next job.
At charity auctions, expensive donated items can go for a song. Much to the disgust of the business who donated the item. I have even been to auctions where the person or business that donated has not been given a mention. As a rule I plug the donor’s name, unless asked not to. If there is high priced item I will mention it throughout the night leading up to the auction – this helps build anticipation in the audience and also lots of goodwill with the donor.
How to Auction
Don’t start too low as you end up spending your time and energy trying to get back up. Start at the suggested price by the organiser or even higher. Then make it look like you are doing the impossible by lowering the starting bid. You also entertaining the crowd. They love a good auction. Make them laugh. Build anticipation. As you auction point with your hand (not finger) towards the last bidder and remember the bid. Don’t move that hand because in a huge room of people it is difficult to remember where the last bidder was. I have failed here a few times in forgetting who did the last bid and what the amount was. Ask for a spotter to help throughout the auction. If the spotter is drink it is a nightmare.
The highest bid I ever received was 10k for jewellery and my lowest $1 for a chook. My funniest auction was at a charity auction where I auctioned off a one way single ticket for a rail trip from Campbelltown to Lithgow – the ticket cost $10 and I auctioned it off for $290. It was a charity event in aid of mental health with the theme of Mad Hatters – so it worked in well. I’m not sure if the winner used his ticket.
Auctions can be a lot of fun especially if you are the auctioneer. Give it a go.
Toastmasters
Before you roll your eyes thinking it’s not for you have a look at your goals. If you want to learn or improve this is indeed for you. But the key is to select the right group – in big cities there are many groups and if you get the right fit of people you can fly. I never learned through Toastmasters but I see it as valuable to anyone wanting to move forward.
Think on the Spot – Impromptu
They have a section called Table Topics. Each week a different member of the group will invite a person to the front of the room and then be given a topic to discuss for about 1 – 2 minutes. About ten people will be asked in total. This is absolute fear and horror for most people. To stand in front of a group and speak off the cuff. Later your presentation will evaluated. Once you see that the evaluator is ‘out to help you’ and ‘not out to get you’ – a new door opens in your life.
As a presenter or even in work situations we are thrown a clanger and have to reply instantly. What do we say? How can we respond?
Is it for Me?
Try and see. If you want to learn or improve presentation skills this is valuable. You will never move forward or become a master by reading books. Yes, knowledge can help but you need ‘action’ included in your goal. Test different clubs – find a tribe where you think you will grow.
Recently I joined a club. I have little to learn but I love the group – it has the right energy for me. They are a younger group who are energetic and wanting to move forward in their various careers. Most are doing multiple things, experimenting, trialing, exploring.
Who Joins Toastmasters
Over the years I have met people who have trained at Toastmasters. One friend, in her early days in local government, joined as she needed to build confidence in speaking. She is now an independent politician in government.
At the Domain in Sydney speakers stand on a soapbox and present on Sundays. Speaker, Mark Avery started with Toastmasters.
I’m not out to plug Toastmasters as the be all and end all of presenting – it’s not. But it’s worth having a look, it might work for you.
What’s your Budget?
One of the greatest lessons I learned was from a friend Mr Duffy. Brian, an astute businessman, told me to always ask, on any job, these magic three words: ‘What’s your Budget?’
Prior to this I would fall for the old pretty face who squirmed for the lowest price because of financial difficulties. So for many years I did jobs on the cheap. I always believed people’s stories, not knowing they were playing a game of life. I never realised they would pass my name to others who needed it done on the cheap. Overtime I toughened up but had yet to learn those magic three words: ‘What’s your Budget?’
Voice over has always been a sideline to my regular work. It was my icing on the cake.
Voice Over Job from Hell
A young lady starting a business called and asked me to voice her radio ads. She was starting a new business. As I was working in a foreign country, and English was her second language, she asked me to check the scripts. The English was not the best and I suggested a few changes. This became a nightmare of changes with her arguing points of English. We still hadn’t decided on a fee for the voice over. Eventually the scripts went ahead and she argued for the cheapest price possible. During negotiations she kept promising that when her company became successful she would give me loads of voice over work. She was also a nightmare producer and after many re-takes in the studio the job was done. On reflection I did much more than I was every paid for. I never saw her again. Until…
She called me two years later and asked me to do some voice over work. It wasn’t until half way through the conversation that I recognised her as the previous horror client. I gave her my price. She said she was desperate and needed a reduced price as her business did not work out and was now closing down. The ads were for a clear out sale. She became angry when I declined the offer of work. She wanted to know why. I told her I had reviewed by voice over work and was only doing limited jobs for regular clients. She slammed down the phone. I am so happy I never did that job.
Once you are seen as being cheap you run the risk of always being cheap and it becomes difficult to raise your prices. If you have a good product and experience and are you are proud of your work you can discount depending on the client. I always show my full fee on the invoice and the amount of discount.
The Budget
For the past twenty years I have played the game and now use those three words – ‘What’s your budget?’. It creates havoc in the mind of the uninitiated client. They give a look of despair. It’s not up to me to keep lowering my price to please them. Yes, it is easy for me to say that now. But in the beginning you need to have some sort of plan on your pricing. Survey the market. Find what makes you better than anyone else. And play the game – ‘What’s your budget?’
Read the Small Print
Not many of us would think that the type size and type face is really that important. But I have died a thousand deaths because of this.
I have emceed a few events where the organiser or communications manager promises to email the run sheet days before the event. I want the run sheet before an event so I can check what’s required of me. What officials are attending. Timing of requirements and if they have used any clunky words in their scripts. And if they have cut and pasted something that has turned into a disaster. This gives me time to get back to them if any changes are needed.
Red Flags and Broken Promises
Red flags appear a day before the event if it hasn’t appeared. I call again, they promised the run sheet is perfect and I have no need to worry. Everyone has checked it. Then it is handed to you. But a run sheet the type face is not easy to read. The font size is super small. And there is no spacing between lines and paragraphs.
The nightmare of a night has begun. As there is no spacing you cannot ad notes and in every event their are last minute changes. Because the point size is so small it is difficult to read and your energy is being used to try and read the mini type. On top of that emcees put their fingers on a space and talk to the audience. The eyes return to your finger placement but your finger is on three lines. Then if the lecture light is poor you moved in close to read.
Making it Easier for Everyone
As I developed my presenting skills I had had no fear telling organisers that I needed a run sheet typed to these requirements:
One sided, Double spacing. Point size 14. And presented in a serif font e.g. Georgia. Also ask for the pages to be numbered. For me, Georgia is easy to read.
You will realize how important this is when you present a major event where timing is important. A serif font with its little At the end of the day I am the one on stage. I want to look and present at my best. Always remember each gig is an audition for your next gig.
Blinding Spotlight
For years I had emceed this particular event for free. They had little budgets and I was happy to help out. The last time I emceed the event the lighting technician manning the spotlight caused me grief. All went well in rehearsal. In one part, a crucial part, I announced the debutants as they came to the stage with their partners. Most of the evening had gone well until one part where all house lights went down and only a spot light remained. The spotlight was on me.
I tried to face the audience and read the names on the script at the same time. The spotlight was like a flame thrower.
It was so bright I could not see too well. As it was held in an ex serviceman’s club, I can only assume that the spotlight may have once been used to spot energy aircraft miles away. And now, it’s living out the rest of its life in the Ingleburn RSL function room.
No Recovery
Even with my rapid blinking and squinting my eyes could not recover and my poor eyes felt if they were about to burst. There were halo effects and splotches as I tried to read the page. Odd images covered the page as I read words incorrectly. The audience watched. I asked the spotlight man to turn his spotlight down. He was confused. It was a spotlight to illuminate the emcee–and that’s what he was doing. I managed to finish with quite a few mistakes and the evening wore on. I asked a second time. No change. I battled on and made a few mistakes as the writing was very hard to see. My eyes were creating their colours.
The Organiser from Hell
At the end of the night I invited the organiser to the stage (this was written on the run sheet). She took the microphone from me and thanked everyone for their efforts. Except me. Off stage and as I was about to leave she abused me for introducing an elder incorrectly. I explained I was blinded by the spotlight and could not read the names correctly. She walked away.
The next year they asked me to emcee again. I declined. They kept calling…
There are moments in emceeing where the organiser doesn’t understand the difficulties. The saddest part is when you are taken for granted. Of the many hundreds of events I have emceed I have never had trouble with a spotlight except for this one time.
A Flustered Stage Manager
You’re on stage facing the audience you thank the previous act for their wonderful performance and then lead into introducing the next act – a dance troupe. You build them up, as per your script and just as you raise your voice to say them name comes a whisper. Actually not a whisper, more a cry of desperation from the stage manage.
“Pssst. Pssst. Psst.”
A thousand people are watching me as I stop mid sentence.
“Excuse me ladies and gentle I think I am being summoned from beyond.
Off stage, the stage manager gave a cry for help. “Please give us ten minutes!”.
I was not in any position to say no. So ad lib it was.
“Ladies and gentlemen…a slight delay…we’re not talking a one minute delay or two but ten. It appears our dancers, from lands afar, are putting the final rehearsal on a new dance to show us. Yes, we’ll give them ten minutes. So instead of you just waiting spellbound let’s find out who has been to ‘xyz’ country – the place where our next dancers originate.”
Proud hands reached for the sky as I called a few to the stage and interviewed them about what they liked about that country and then asking what we should visit when we go there. They knew there topic so it was an easy ten minutes.
I have never forgotten that poor stage manager first with her look of desperation and last with a grin of relief.
Psst…Psst.
“We’re ready…”
As an emcee prepare for the best but expect the worst.